What Your Arguments Might Really Be About

What Most Couples Fight About

Here we have the usual fight about the dishes sitting in the sink, again. Or perhaps it was the way something was said at dinner, or maybe another failure to get the dry cleaning from the cleaners. While on the surface it would appear these arguments are merely a frustration, if the same old fights are occurring over and over again, there might be more than meets the eye in terms of what you're actually arguing about.

The Argument Beneath the Argument

From the research conducted on couples therapy, almost 70% of problems which couples argue about are perpetual problems, meaning that they have no solution at all but only a way to manage them. The explanation is quite simple; arguments between couples usually focus on the need for an emotional connection rather than the actual problem itself.

If a partner asks, "Why don’t you ever help me around the house?" They could be saying, "Are you aware of what I have been doing?" "Can you understand what I’m going through when I’m stressed out?"

If a partner feels annoyed by the interruption from another, it could mean "I think you have no respect for my words."

Words express behavior. Emotions express needs.

Common Surface Arguments and What's Often Underneath

Financial arguments aren’t often about how money is being spent but rather about a need for security, a need for control, or simply different value systems that determine safety and satisfaction.

When you fight over time issues and the priorities of your partners, you may be masking more serious problems about loneliness and separation.

When you get into an argument about parenting techniques, it could actually be stemming from underlying issues like insecurity about parenting or unresolved childhood issues within yourself.

When you find yourselves arguing over "nothing at all," there is often something deeper that got triggered by something trivial.

Why This Matters in Therapy

Perhaps one of the most precious things about individual therapy or couples therapy is the opportunity to pause and ask ourselves, what am I really feeling here? And what is it that I need, but haven’t asked for?

We haven’t necessarily been trained in expressing our emotional needs explicitly; rather, we have been trained in discussing the concrete, tangible issue - the messy kitchen, the lateness, the forgotten errands. This feels less vulnerable and much more tangible than admitting to feeling alone or afraid that we aren’t a priority.

Yet vulnerability is often the quickest way to resolution.

A Simple Practice to Try

The next time you find yourself getting to an argument, stop for a second and answer the following two questions:

How am I really feeling? (It's not always about anger — dig a bit deeper into your emotions.)

What do I need from this person right now?

Then, if you can, share those answers instead of the complaint. It's harder than it sounds — and that's okay. It's also a skill that gets easier with practice.

When to Seek Support

Seeing repeated issues that never seem to work themselves out, disproportionate emotional reactions, or an increasing sense of alienation from either your partner or yourself? A little therapy can go a long way. Getting into therapy doesn’t mean that anything’s wrong; it means that you take your relationships and your personal wellness seriously.

You should be seen and heard. Chances are, the person you’re always fighting with needs to be heard, too.

Curious about discovering more about what’s going on under the surface?